Like most people, I have been through many losses - loss of grandparents and parents,  loss of a relationship, loss of employment,  loss of health (at times), loss of a pet.

At times, those losses were overwhelming.

Three of the losses that sent me into deep grief were the deaths of my father, the death of my partner, and the death of my spouse.

They each had unique qualities to them - due to the relationship and the way death took them:

My father and I were estranged for most of my life - from when I became a teenager. When I was in my 30's, he was hospitalized (which I was told was not life-threatening). As we were living in different countries at the time, I did not make the trip to visit him. My mother reached out and mentioned that he was asking about me while he was in hospital. So I sent him a card - an olive branch - wishing him a swift recovery. He took a nosedive while in the hospital. My card arrived after his death.

My partner and I were together for about 2 years when they were diagnosed with a terminal illness. The grieving process began while they were still alive. Everything we did was clouded by the question: "will this be the last time we do this?" As things progressed, dementia started creeping in and we had Visiting Nurse assistance. One afternoon, after taking a walk while the nurse was there, I returned to find a group of strangers in our home. My partner had told them that I was  being physically and emotionally abusive and did not want to see me.  I had to pack some essential belongings and leave our home. Two days later, I received the phone call that my partner had died. 

My spouse of twenty years was not feeling well one morning so stayed in bed most of the day. They got up late in the day to try and eat something. It was clear something was not right. I managed to get them to an Urgent Care facility - and they were almost immediately sent by ambulance to an ER. I watched as the medical team tried to figure out what was going on.  At some point,  the Doctor told me to go home and get some rest. I went home; I didn't rest. The Doctor called very early the following morning, letting me know: "you should get here as soon as you can." There was nothing to be done. I had to make the decision to end the life of the one I loved. I watched them die. (Then, to have one of our 3 dogs - with no indication either - die the following day!)

These are my specific experiences with deep grief.

Not to compare my grief to yours but to give examples of the losses I have encountered.

The depth of grief in each of these instances was profound - and different. 

I did not think I would make it through the loss of my spouse.

But I did. 

It took a lot of work but I came out the other side.

I am now able to look back on these relationships, these losses, and remember the positive, happy pieces. I can look back with love and gratitude. I have crossed that bridge from Pain and Grief to Love and Gratitude. 

My life is filled with joy again.

This is my hope for you.